A Night at Kitsune's
by The Anonymous
Summary: What happens when you throw together Keitaro, Kitsune, too much alcohol, and an empty Hinata House together? We think you know. Or, at least we hope you know. Well, we think we hope you think we know. Or were we thinking in the first place?
1. The First Chapter

A Night at Kitsune's 

Let's begin this story with a nice, long, author's note.

First of all, if you are particularly disgusted by sexual references of any sort, stop reading now.

Second, if you are like me, and reading in the hopes that this'll turn into a lemon, stop reading now.  Pervert.

Third, if you have a doughnut, send it to me.  I'm hungry.

Fourth, I'm trying to keep this around PG-13, but it may jump to R later.  I've been suppressing the urge to throw Mutsumi into the 'initial incident.'  I haven't (yet) due to a pathetic attempt to keep this somewhat tame.  You really don't want to know what's going through my mind half the time.

EDIT: Too much risk.  It's been upped to R.  We apologize for the inconvenience.

Fifth, the disclaimer.  All characters are property of someone else.  I only own the storyline (I think).  The author is also currently quite bored.  He is not responsible for any bad jokes or bad story-writing skills.  Lastly, the author is currently in school.  Any lack of updates should be blamed on someone else.

Sixth, this happens somewhere after the 12th magna, after Naru's finally confessed her love for Keitaro.  Just to keep it interesting.

Seventh, I'm really hungry.  Send me that doughnut and this fic may actually start.

Eighth, scratch that.  For those two of you still reading, I begin Chapter 1.

Chapter 1 

Keitaro woke up, a blasting headache reverberating between his ears.  Hangover in full swing, he began to search for his glasses, groping around for them since he really couldn't see properly.

As his right hand felt, he identified what he could feel…  pillow, blanket, futon, futon, futon, hair, warm squishy thing, warm squishy thing…

Then, the left…  floor, floor, undergarment, floor, glasses!

Putting them on, the first unusual thing he noticed was that the hole in his ceiling had been repaired.  Whoever had done it, he thought to himself, did a good job.  It looked like it had never been there before.

The next sensory information related to his hung over, slightly-still-intoxicated mind was a feeling.  It slowly dawned on him he was completely nude on this futon.

The next sensation was an odd one to him.  There was another source of heat on that futon, a pleasant one that felt nice to the skin that was touching it.  Despite the general summertime heat, he didn't mind this warmth.

Slowly, but surely, his auditory nerves began to function as well.  It was the sound of breathing, but it wasn't his breathing.  Normal people as hung over and slightly-still-intoxicated as he would've questioned this by now. Remember, though, this is Keitaro.  The process of logic takes slightly longer for him compared to normal people.

As that logic rounded full circle fifteen minutes later, he began to believe that something was out of place.  He certainly didn't fix the hole, nor had he asked anyone to do it.  He rarely, if ever, slept in his birthday suit, for fear that Naru might see something from Liddo-kun's view post (If either party saw the other au-natural unintentionally, it was cause for a Naru-Punch).  He certainly didn't sleep with a heater on next to him.  Lastly, no one usually shared a futon with him, despite many fantasies wishing the opposite was true.

He thought to himself: Maybe, just maybe, I'm not in my room.  And, though it's certainly impossible in the real world, there's an extremely tiny chance that there's someone else, also naked, on this futon.

Nah, the hung over, slightly-still-intoxicated mind of Keitaro Urashima thought to itself.  Like _that_ would ever happen.  Not bothering to check his memories of the night before, he promptly fell back into a blissfully dreamless sleep.

Seemingly be coincidence, Naru woke up at the moment that Keitaro feel back asleep.  Her hangover-ridden mind opened her eyelids.

Of course, Narusegawa here is as blind as Keitaro without the proper vision correction.  Her hands began to feel around for her glasses.

The left hand first: pillow, blanket, futon, futon, futon, something hairy…

Next, the right: floor, floor, undergarment, floor, glasses!

Her eyesight restored, her groggy mind first noticed that the ceiling above was the familiar one under which she had slept that night.

As her body turned left it's numb state, her skin began to tell the hung over, slightly-still-intoxicated mind of hers that she was completely nude on that futon.

Another sensation from Naru's body slowly entered her brain.  She was cuddling up next to something soft and warm, which made her feel rather pleasant, despite the head-splitting headache that was a result of her hangover.

Surely enough, the ears regained function, and the first thing they reported was the sound of gentle snoring.

Of course, for this top Tokyo University student, logic occurred much, much faster than poor Urashima.  She was in her room, something that was normal since she really preferred to sleep there instead of someone else's.  She was sleeping in her birthday suit, something which she never did under normal circumstances (she feared that the pervert-turned boyfriend Urashima would sneak up on her to catch a glimpse of her naked body).  Also, no one shared a futon with her (and no one will until I'm married, she thought to herself).

She thought to herself: Maybe, just maybe, something more happened last night.  And, though it's certainly impossible in the real world, there's an extremely tiny chance that there's someone else, also naked, on this futon.

This is the key difference between her logic and the logic of Keitaro.  She decided to attempt to justify all this by reviewing her memories.

She left Hinata House on her own three days earlier, by herself, as requested by her grandparents in Tokyo.  Before her, Otohime had left to retrieve more watermelons from Okinawa; Kaolla had left to 'retrieve' bananas from their 'captors,' the Banana International Corporation's ship in Tokyo Bay; Maehara had left on a school field trip to Kyoto; and Aoyama had left to train with her sister at an undisclosed location on Honshu.

After pleasantly visiting and sightseeing with for one and a half days, she left her grandparents' place to, in her words, visit with a friend.  In reality, she was terribly depressed over not being with Keitaro.  She got herself terribly drunk at a local bar, and pleasantly returned to her grandparent's place.  She returned to the room she was staying in her grandparents' apartment.  In her hungover stupor, she stripped off her clothes and, being too tired to change, feel promptly asleep with one of her favorite stuffed animals.

That in mind, Naru, her fears comforted, fell back into a blissful, dreamless sleep.

Again, seemingly by coincidence, but actually the result of a storyline's attempt not to be too confusing, Mitsune woke up.

Oh, $*@%.

She was hung over and slightly-still-intoxicated, and cuddling up to something that **wasn't** one of 'toys' from her special closet.

Forget about it, her mind told her body.  It was too focused on the hangover part.  Mitsune, too, fell promptly back to a blissful, dreamless sleep.

Of course, this blissful sleep could not last forever.  Naru slowly roused herself up, ready for another full day of fun with her grandparents!

For breakfast, her grandma fixed them some scrambled eggs!  They were good, but not as good as Shinobu's, Naru though to herself.

Following breakfast, they discussed what they were going to do that day.  Oh boy did it sound like fun!  They set off for their first destination, Tokyo U.  Naru got to show them around her campus, and they were impressed that their granddaughter had made it into such a fine institution.

Next, they visited…

What?  You don't want to hear about Naru's fantastic, pervert-less day?  They had some great things planned!  Naru and her grandparents were going to see a sumo match, tour Budokan Hall, eat lunch at a fancy restaurant…

Huh?  You say you want to hear about Keitaro and Mitsune?  But they're just back at boring Hinata House!  Nothing happens there.  Fine, I'll tell you about Mutsumi's exciting watermelon picking…

Again?  You still want to hear about the events in Hinata?  How about I tell you about Su's great banana heist.  It was a beautif…

So, you're set on Hinata's remaining occupants.  But let me tell you something, you're missing out if you don't want to know about Motoko's new technique.  It's called the…

But Hinata is soooo boring!  What about Shinobu's field trip?  First, they went to…

Damn, you're persistent.  Let me just do a little about Naru…

Hey, hey buddy, put that thing down.  No need to get violent.  I'll just tell this story about some interesting customers Haruka had…

Damn, ok, one warning shot was enough.  Back to Hinata…

Mitsune and Keitaro both woke up, and yawned.  Both felt unusually tired, and both still had slightly annoying hangover-induced headaches.  They, without paying a bit of attention to the other, untangled themselves from each other.

"Good morning Kitsune," said Keitaro, still sitting, facing forward, on the futon.

"Mornin' to you to, Keitaro," replied Mitsune, also sitting face forward on the same futon in her room.

They turned to face each other.  Mitsune saw Keitaro and his pleasant, naked manly chest.  Keitaro saw Mitsune and her pleasant, naked womanly chest.

Then, as calmly as normal, as if nothing unusual was at work, both turned around again, stood up out of futon

As they began to start moving on a normal morning routine, they both had a revelation.  It wasn't a normal one, either.  It was the kind of revelation where you realize that your entire life has just changed.  For example, "Hey, I can use fire to warm myself, cook my mammoth meat, and scare away my enemies!"  Or, "Hey, I can use the wheel to easily and efficiently move large, heavy objects!"  There was, "Hey, I can put meat between these two slices of bread and have a simple, yet delicious and nutritious meal!"

"Last night…" they both began.

Keitaro said, in a shocked voice, "We didn't…"

Mitsune responded in the same kind of shocked voice, "Did we…?"

Minutes of awkward silence.

"I remember," Keitaro began, "we both started drinking in the common room since we were bored."

"Yeah," Mitsune continued, "everyone else was gone, so we just kept on drinking…"

"Besides that, I can't remember a thing." Keitaro continued.

Mitsune promptly agreed that other than the drinking part, she didn't remember doing anything.

She continued.  "So maybe…  we just got drunk…  came up to my room…  and fell right to sleep?"

A heavy weight was lifted off their shoulders, and both looked and sounded noticeably relieved.

"Yeah, that's it, Kitsune," Keitaro said is response.  "But…"  He paused  "That doesn't explain the floor…"

Both parties peered down at the hardwood floor of Kitsune's floor.  It was littered with various articles of clothing, all of which were at places where they shouldn't have been.  Of note, there was a bra hanging from the rafters, while a pair of male's underwear was in a bookshelf.  Of course, these clothes belonged to the two standing there.

"Well, we didn't want to sleep in those clothes…" Mitsune began.

"And, we were too tired to change into pajamas." Keitaro finished, noticing that they were both standing as naked as they day they were born.  Apparently, both were still to shocked to really care.

Another moment of awkward silence.

Then, the both of them broke out laughing and started to gather and put on their respective clothing.  As they both reached a state of dress they could pass for acceptable by most standards, Mitsune stumbled across something.  Keitaro noticed her pause.

"What is it?"

"My…  my video camera."

After a relatively quick breakfast (both were still nursing now rather tiny hangovers), Mitsune and Keitaro gathered around a television in the common room.  Both, notably slightly nervous, reclined, as Mitsune hit the 'play' button on the remote.

Tense moments turned into hours as the VCR did it's work.  An image appeared on the screen.

Snow.

Both were relieved, and issued rather loud sighs.  This tape was blank.

Keitaro said the first words.  "Phew!  For a little while there, I though we actually had wild, drunken sex!  I'm relieved!"

Kitsune, her usual character returning to her, replied in a sly, teasing, voice, "Oh, I'm hurt.  You mean you wouldn't want to have drunken sex with me?"

Keitaro replied without thinking.  "Well, I kinda would…"  He then turned a bright shade of red as Kitsune grinned.

"Oh, I know," Mitsune said in her infinite wisdom.  "You love Naru."

"Yes, but," Keitaro replied, "if she found out, she'd also send my in the upper atmosphere!"

They both had a good laugh.  Mitsune stood up to take the tape, which was still rolling it's static.

Then suddenly, just before her hand pushed the eject button, a clear image and sound came out of the television.

They saw Mitsune's hand in front of the lens, as they heard her quite-drunken voice say, "This shway, we canv watch us doin it magain shomorrow!"

There was no mistaking that the next images that rolled were a very drunk Kitsune and a very drunk Keitaro making out on the futon.  After that, well, if we were to go into more detail of what happened after the make out session, this fic would be classified as extremely dirty and the author would be shot.

On screen, the drunk Mitsune and the drunk Keitaro were both, judging by how loud they were getting, having a very pleasant time indeed.  However, the sober Mitsune and sober Keitaro sitting on the couch were not having a pleasant time at all.  In fact, both were too shocked to do anything by stare at the screen, which really wasn't helping the state of affairs.

By this, of course, we mean that both were extremely horny.

'Damn, I didn't know two people could do that…' Keitaro thought to himself as the tape continued to roll.  'NO!  Must stay focused… must think clearly…'

Keitaro closed his eyes and ignored the moaning coming out of television's speakers.  'First at hand, Kitsune.  I'll just let her down real gently.'

His imagination played out that scenario…

"Last night, we were both drunk and lonely, Kitsune.  I still like you as a friend, but it didn't have any meaning to me…"

"Yes, I understand Keitaro.  You love Naru.  I've gotten drunk lots of times before and did it with lots of people, so it didn't have any meaning to me whatsoever."

Keitaro was confident that was how it would turn out.

For the next half the scenario, informing the rest of the girls.  By this point, not only was the tape getting to him.  Certain 'other materials' he had read before (and I don't mean textbooks, folks) were starting to influence his flawed thought process.

Once again, the imagination continues…

"So, Kitsune and I had sex.  But like I said, we were drunk, and it didn't mean a thing," Keitaro said to the other four inhabitants of Hinata House.  A moment of thoughtful silence followed.

Naru approached him, her expression unreadable.  "So…  You're finally a man!  I'm so proud!"  She than hugged him.  "Though, I wish I was the one…"

Motoko interrupted.  "I believe we can agree a terrible injustice has occurred here."  Keitaro froze as the other three nodded in agreement.

The swordswoman continued.  "Therefore, the only way to right the wrongs is that…"  She paused dramatically, as Keitaro wished she would hurry up and declare his fate.  "… we should all have sexual relations with Keitaro."  The others again nodded in agreement.

Just as his imagination was taking him to a good part, Mitsune's voice brought him back to reality.  'Ok, just like the first part of the plan,' Keitaro thought to himself confidently.

"Keitaro," Mitsune began, "it's become painfully obvious about what happened last night."  Another dramatic pause, simply for the sake of reader interest.  She continued.  "You see, I…"

**********************

**INTERMISSION**

**********************

"…I've done it with others before.  With some, I was simply drunk.  Others, it was for the passion, the heat of the moment.  But, I did love all the men who I've had sex with.  You're no exception."

These words set off a plethora of alarms in our poor protagonist's brain.  While the buzzing continued, both sat dumbfounded, lost for words.  As his mind began to function once again, Keitaro noticed a single tear roll down Mitsune's eye, as her face drew nearer and nearer to his own.  Closer, and closer…

She was kissing him.  For the second time in his life (that he could remember, or course – video-tape induced reminders excluded), a soft pair of lips had met his own, and they were kissing him like there was no tomorrow.  Almost without thought, he returned the full force of her kiss.

Just as they were both getting really into this kiss, a door opened.  A voice announced, "Yo, Keitaro and Kitsune!  I'm back from Tokyo!"  The owner of that voice walked into the commons, where she saw Keitaro and Mitsune begin what, without the interruption she would soon provide, would have been a very nice session indeed.

Tape of them having sex while actually watching them kiss, Naru stood still as a rock as the other two lovers finally noticed her presence.

"You…  bastard…"

Needless to say, the following events didn't go as Keitaro had imagined them, either.


	2. Chapter the Second

We wish to apologize for the lack of updates. At the moment, the author is being held hostage in The Prison of Homework by his evil english teacher. Any and all assistance, including the writing of english papers and the reading of the various pieces of Sumerian literature would be appreciated. We will continue to publish his stories, assuming he has not yet been executed.  
  
Disclaimer: No rather old inns, boxy white vans, ancient trees, or egos were hurt in the writing of this chapter. A multimillion dollar satellite was damaged during production Animals were harmed during the making of the fic (read: Several ants eating crumbs around the keyboard were ruthlessly squashed).  
  
And now...  
  
A Night at Kitsune's  
  
Chapter 2  
  
'Wow,' Mitsune thought to herself. 'He must've been good...'  
  
'NO! Focus! How can I weasel my way out of this one? Naru won't speak to me for a few months, Motoko will kill Keitaro several times over, and Shinobu will cry her ass off. Su and Sarah won't care.'  
  
'Of course! I can lie to them! That always works!  
  
'But then, there's the matter of Keitaro...' Mitsune looked across the couch to her latest lover. 'What can I do to let him down easy? I mean, it's not like I really liked the guy or anything...'  
  
'Or did I?'  
  
This last mental question got Mitsune's mental gears going, though this time not to think up devious tricks to extract more money from hapless men.  
  
The next shock to her system was when she, in the middle of her thought process, she found another source of moisture on her lips.  
  
'I'm kissing Keitaro...'  
  
- - - - -  
  
'I'm kissing Keitaro....'  
  
Naru slowly woke herself up from this little fantasy as the train pulled into the Hinata station.  
  
'What the hell am I doing here?'  
  
Naru was able to answer her own question. She had left her grandparents' place several days before she had planned. This was because, as she explained to her grandparents, she had forgotten to write an important paper, and needed to return home now to get it done.  
  
This was, of course, a lie.  
  
She left because she missed Keitaro, and to give him a bit of a surprise by coming home unannounced. We all know what happens next, or at least those you who had the brilliant idea of reading the first chapter first.  
  
Did she know the dire consequences of this action? No. Did Keitaro and Mitsune know of the housemate that was on her way to the very spot where they were kissing? No. Is this all an extremely clever plot twist? No. Is this all random babbling coming from the author? Yes.  
  
= = = = =  
  
"You... bastard..." Naru spoke almost silently through her clenched teeth. She then gave the subjects of the video a new, patented, Super-Naru Double Punch, spend Mitsune and Keitaro flying to God knows where. Just as Mitsune and Keitaro ended the kitchen by creating their own doors, a single tear rolled down Naru's cheek as she ran away from Hinata House, in a futile attempt to forget what she had just seen.  
  
At the other end of Hinata House, where Mitsune and Keitaro were laying in a heap not very different from a heap they had gotten themselves into last night. Per normal, Keitaro remained undamaged. Everyone knew that was going to happen. It was Mitsune who defied expectations. She too, other than a white bandage that had appeared on her head for no apparent reason, was unscathed by the attack.  
  
"I didn't know you could pass on immortality like that..."  
  
**The author would like to apologize for the very bad joke, and caution that people should not attempt to gain their friend's invincibility through that method. There are much safer ways.**  
  
"Well, what do we do know?" Mitsune queried.  
  
"First, we have a few walls to fix..."  
  
"DON'T YOU THINK THAT CAN WAIT!!??"  
  
"If you insist. Then, we should probably try to find Naru, tell her what happened, and keep her from doing anything too drastic," Keitaro suggested, wiping away from his shirt wood fragments that were once his kitchen table. "After that, we'll discuss us..."  
  
Mitsune nodded in agreement, a which point a large explosion was heard. No, Naru-haters, this was not Narusegawa's head spontaneously combusting. It was actually a white van, victim of a stationary gas line's attack. Keitaro and Mitsune watched as the van flew gracefully through the air, to make a perfect landing (or, as perfect a landing a van can make) in front of where they were standing.  
  
Silence filled the air for a few moments, as the pair stared flabbergasted as the appearance of the van.  
  
Suddenly, an enraged female voice echoed from the van. "What the hell kind of driving is that, you idiot!"  
  
The van's driver side door burst open (not in the way doors normally burst open - the more appropriate description would be 'flew off it's hinges at speeds nearly exceeding the sound barrier') as a man dressed in a white lab coat flew out with the door (read: 'expelled at velocities measured at approximately Mach 1.5).  
  
"Hello Haruka. Hello Seta..."  
  
- - - - -  
  
Brak said in a sad, depressed tone, "Space Ghost, I think I'm... pregnant."  
  
From nowhere, dramatic chords played as....  
  
+++We apologize for this error. The above was meant for another fic. We return you know to our story.+++  
  
- - - - -  
  
Later, the four were all seated at the Café Hinata. Haruka was still pissed off at Seta. Seta managed to, outside all logical reasoning by the medical sciences known to man, escaped with only a slight cut on his head (though that cut was caused by several ancient trees, almost all of which were completely destroyed). And, poor Mitsune and Ketaro still had no idea where Naru was.  
  
We arrive to the scene as Keitaro and Mitsune exlained what happened. "So that's what happened," Mitsune said. Keitaro nodded in sad agreement. Both watched and waited for Haruka and Seta to weigh in on the issue.  
  
After a tense few minutes of silence, Haruka was the first to speak up. "So... None of it was MY sake, was it?" Haruka started to get toward her alcohol reserves.  
  
"CAN'T YOU THINK OF SOMETHING ELSE JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE IMPORTANT?" was the response from the two yaougsters.  
  
"No. That's expensive stuff, you know," Haruka said emotionlessly as she went her secret reserves. Just after a moments' glance, she immediately said, with a hint of nearly uncontrollable rage in her voice, "You guys took a bottle, didn't you?"  
  
At that oddly timed moment, Seta replied, while pouring a bit into his cup, "No, that was m..."  
  
The rest of his last syllable will, unfortunately, remain a mystery to the rest of the world. You see, at that moment, Seta had an unfortunate incident in which he collided with a television satellite, knocking out TV service for approximately 34.5 million people. Another mystery also came of this event, as few can explain how he managed to get up there in the first place, managed to survive the oxygen devoid, pressure less vacuum of space, and how he managed to make it back through the atmosphere without turning into tiny bits of charred human, and how he managed to return to the very site where he had been attempting to finish a syllable without any appearance of odd interruption, and how the other occupants of the café managed to not give a damn about what happened. But that's another fic.  
  
It was at that very moment that two events happened simultaneously. Firstly, one Motoko Aoyama appeared at the Café Hinata. Secondly (is that a word?), the author realized it was 4:00 AM, and that he needed to be awake in three hours to catch his ride to school. Coincidence? I think not. 


	3. In Which the Third Chapter Takes Place

The author would like to thank those who take the time to review this fic. He appreciates all views that are expressed, and attempts to take suggestions and use them well in his story. However, he would appreciate it if reviewers would keep their language clean.  
  
Disclaimer: The author is not responsible for spontaneous combustion of those reading this fic. Please continue with caution. Neither is the author responsible for extraordinarily, and likely, grammatically incorrect, introductory sentences. We apologize for the incontinence. No, not that. Inconvenience. Yeah, inconvenience.  
  
And now...  
  
A Night at Kitsune's  
  
Chapter Three  
  
While we all want to know what Motoko is about to do as a result of the situation, and, while we can reasonable assume it has something to do with a sword, and the beating up of Keitaro, the author has decided it is time to, to either the joy and displeasure of Naru haters and lovers, to see what she did after her short viewing of that now infamous video.  
  
A quote, of the great Homer J. Simpson, can describe her situation.  
  
'To alcohol, the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems!"  
  
Yes, Naru ran off to a local bar, the one that wasn't on Kitsune's list of regular watering-holes (and there lots of them). It was a small, quaint place, something eerily reminiscent of the set of Cheers.  
  
She took a place at the bar, and order a beer. Than another beer. Than another. Than another. And yet another. At this point, she was joined at the otherwise empty bar by a man, who sat a few stools down. Both were then joined by the mother of all plot twists.  
  
She had a martini.  
  
=+=+=+=+=  
  
Haitani Masayki stepped into the living room of the apartment he shared with his longtime friend and roommate, Shirai Kimiaki, who sat typing at his computer.  
  
"Whatcha up to?"  
  
"Eh, not much."  
  
"Wanna go out tonight? Try our luck with the ladies?"  
  
"For the last time, Haitani, no! I'm chatting here."  
  
"Come on! We never go out!"  
  
"Hey, I'm also talking to my girlfriend..."  
  
"Oh, don't tell me it that weirdo from Canada..."  
  
"Her name is luvya354, and she's very nice, not to mention hot."  
  
"For God's sake, those are all pictures of Brittany Spears! 'She's' probably a fifty-six year old pedophile. He's probably..."  
  
"Stop! Just get out!"  
  
"Fine, I was leaving anyway..."  
  
With that, a depressed Haitani left that apartment.  
  
As he left, he seriously wondered if he would ever come back again. Here he was, living his friend, and at this age! Hell, if he ever got anywhere with a girl (which, coincidentally, and somehow unsurprisingly, he didn't), she might think he was gay! And, he didn't dare think of the days when even Shirai got the wrong idea.  
  
As he wandered the streets of Hinata, with various images of ways he could kill Shirai playing through his head (most, is not all, of which are much to gruesome to describe here, though some do involve strangling via mouse cord), he happened upon a little bar that was still open. He stepped in to find a barkeep, and a woman who he didn't even feel like trying his luck with again. Sitting down, Haitani ordered a beer...  
  
-----------  
  
Fate is one of those funny things that tortures people while they're alive (and while they're dead, too, but that's another weird comment). When it's not toying with philosophers and dropping pianos on people walking down sidewalks, it's causing all sorts of trouble for John and Jane Doe.  
  
Some argue that such a force cannot exist, they claim we have free will of action. I doubt these claims. We can all thing of moments in our lives that are timed to perfection to cause the absolute best (or, as in most cases, worst) effect possible. What else can explain computer crashes as you finish up an unsaved 10 page essay? How else can one finally get a driver's liscense, only to be stopped for speeding five minutes later? Why else would your girlfriend's old flame walk into the restaurant just as you finish proposing?  
  
Of course, it's possible that God likes to mess with our heads. I don't know.  
  
+-+-+-+-+  
  
Naru woke up several hours later in the same way in which she had awoken the day before: still very hung over. But, unfortunately, this wasn't her futon, but a cheap bed. It wasn't any room she knew, but a smaller one with old curtains, a TV, and a small adjoining bathroom. She wasn't in her nightgown, but still very nude. And the object next to her sure as hell wasn't a teddy bear.  
  
As the two occupants of the room looked at each other groggily, they both suddenly remembered that they weren't out doing community service last night, but rather servicing each other.  
  
Haitani then cringed. He knew what was about to happen. He was about to enter Earth's orbit, courtesy of a free one-way ticket on Naru's Fist Airlines.  
  
But, the punch never came.  
  
There was something very wrong here, and Haitani's hung over mind couldn't put a mental finger on it, though he was pretty sure that it had something to do with the fact that he was still in the bed with a very awake Naru.  
  
"Why are you huddling up like that?" asked Naru with a quizzical look.  
  
Haitani, audibly and visibly still very frightened, answered "You're about to punch me, for not only seeing you nude, but for what we did last night."  
  
"No, I won't. It's fine," said Naru, making a motion as if to cuddle up with Haitani.  
  
Haitani, who misinterpreted the movement, continued to back away even further. His mind now was very sure that something was very, very wrong, and was currently in a state of high alert.  
  
"Honestly, it's fine. I just want to forget about Keitaro, and be with anyone who isn't Keitaro."  
  
"And I just want to be with anyone who isn't a cheap blow-up doll, nor Shirai," replied a newly understand Haitani. They hugged one another, slowly dozing back to sleep.  
  
However, right before they could fall into a blissfully calm sleep, a muffled voice outside the door said, "This should be Naru's room..."  
  
~-~-~-~-  
  
That's it for this chapter. The author, who is really very sleep, now wishes to present a preview of the fourth chapter of this story, entitled "The Fourth Chapter."  
  
"Keitaro, I'm... pregnant!"  
  
Who exactly is pregnant? In what context was this phrase uttered? Who truly gives a damn? And how come the bottoms of hamburger buns are sliced thinner than the tops of the buns, despite the fact that the bottom holds all the weight? All these answers (or at least most of them) will be answered at some point in the future, though they will likely all be in the next chapter. So there.  
  
EDITTTED Nov. 26, 2:47 A.M.: Grammer, spelling corrected. Comments added.  
  
EDITED Nov. 26, 2:48 A.M.: Misspelling of 'edited' spoted, head hit on keyboard several times. 


	4. Chapter 4

The author would first like to thank the two people who will read this fic. Your dedication, or sheer boredom, is deeply appreciated. For those who still remain confused, the author will clarify the following point: Yes, Kitsune and Keitaro, as well as Naru and Haitani, have, erm, done the nasty, together. You know what the author means.  
  
For those of you who don't know what the author means, yes, the two couples have had sex. There.  
  
The author would also like to continue to apologize for the inconvenience. If readers would like to see more chapters published faster, they are encouraged to write essays comparing literary and historical figures of Western Africa and Medieval Europe between 800-1500 A.D. for the author's use.  
  
DISCLAIMER: The author is not responsible for the collapse of Imperial Russia, no matter what the Romanov family tells you.  
  
And now...  
  
A Night at Kitsune's Chapter 4  
  
We now return to the Café Hinata. As I hope readers recall, when we left our intrepid drunkards, Motoko had just made her presence known. After learning a fascinating new technique with her sister while training for the weekend at an undisclosed location in Honshu, she had returned for the rest and relaxation that Hinata occasionally provides.  
  
She entered the café, greeting Haruka, Seta, Keitaro, and Mitsune with a standard greeting. "Hey guys. What's up?"  
  
It is at this point that Seta, without thinking, though in the most innocent manner possible, explained the fascinating events of the past 24 hours. After Seta's little digression, Keitaro suddenly had a new appointment with the business end of Motoko's katana. Needless to say, this was also a good chance for Motoko to test her new technique.  
  
Several minutes and a broken wall later, as Keitaro lay in a smoking heap a few yards away from his seat, Haruka was the first to speak again. "I haven't seen you do that to him before. New technique?"  
  
"Yes, it was," Motoko replied, sheathing the Hina Blade. "I call it the 'Fire Dragon of Hinata.' It's a specialty technique that utilizes the evil spirit that once resided in my blade."  
  
Keitaro sat up, and, despite all logical explanation and expectation from the health sciences, was without a scratch. He observed, "Yeah, that wasn't like anything you've hit me with before. It was like I could feel flames engulfing my body."  
  
"That's right. You lit up like a bonfire," Mitsune added, taking a sip of her sake.  
  
All the while, three customers had been in Haruka's tea shop. Two were Hinata natives, one a visitor from Osaka. The natives simply kept on with their own conversation as if nothing out of the ordinary was going on. The visitor from Osaka, though, had just run away from the shop, screaming with fear. All in a normal day.  
  
#*#*#*#*#  
  
Meanwhile, a standoff was in progress in the Hinata Harbor. Japanese Self- Defense Forces had surrounded a Banana International Corporation ship that was docked there. According to the ship's captain, robots with murder in their eyes had boarded the ship, and had kicked the crew off. They were reportedly led by an Indian girl no more than 15 years old.  
  
Of course, no one believed this story.  
  
After receiving a go-ahead from skeptical Banana Int. big wigs, police forces slowly made their way into the ship. It was there they were assaulted by laser fire, a technology that overpowered their handguns.  
  
The first failed party's report was very odd. According to most of the group, the robots were all shaped like turtles. One even claimed to have seen a flying hot springs turtles, which had a blood-chilling cry of 'myuh.' Others said that they had heard a voice, yelling, "Mecha-Tama 3, go!" seemingly directing the assault.  
  
Of course, the ship's (or, more correctly, the bananas') captor, of course, had her own plans. After directing the counter-offensive against the invaders, she set about her work of installing a fusion drive for the vessel.  
  
Kaola Su was joined in this effort by the mother of all plot twists, fresh off her martini.  
  
/*\/*\/*\/*\  
  
"So, Su's still at it," commented Haruka, who had just flipped off the television, which was covering the late breaking news involving a standoff at the Hinata Harbor ('Bananas in Crisis,' as the network called the story).  
  
It was now midnight in Hinata. The only lights still on were those of the Hinata Café, were Seta, Haruka, Mitsune, Keitaro, and Motoko sat, all sipping tea in silence, albeit if it wasn't an awkward one.  
  
Mitsune was the first to speak up, clearing her throat. "I probably should wait until a better time, but I just need to get this off my chest." She sniffled, and wiped away a solitary tear before continuing. "Keitaro, I'm...pregnant!"  
  
The dropping jaws of the occupants of the café were reportedly heard from three hundred miles away. Seismologists in Tokyo believed an earthquake was coming.  
  
"But that means..." stuttered Motoko, who had just began to accept the situation. "You've done it... Before..." She unsheathed her sword, and yelled, "KEITARO! YOU BASTAR..."  
  
It was there she was cut off by a laughing Mitsune. "I was kidding! A joke! I'm not really pregnant," she said. "I've been on the pill for mont..."  
  
It was Motoko's turn to cut Mitsune off, as her the object that was to receive her fury suddenly switched from the hapless manager to the fox.  
  
"Don't joke like that," she said sternly, sheathing her sword for the second time that night.  
  
"Anyway..." Mitsune continued, the only evidence of her injury being a small crossed-shaped bandage on her forehead, "We really should try to find Naru. There's no telling what kind of trouble she may get herself into."  
  
The café occupants groaned as a glimmer entered Mitsune's eyes, and comforting music from a nearby woodwind quintet started playing. Some boring story from Naru's past that they had heard at least three hundred other times was about to be told.  
  
Fade to flashback.  
  
+=+=+=+=+=+  
  
It was a peaceful summer like any other. Naru, at the tender age of 15, was like any other typical girl, and was in the middle one of those summer romances that everybody reads about, but no one actually has.  
  
His name was David, an American kid that lived in Japan with his parents. 15 as well, they had met at school and became fast friends.  
  
One thing led to another, and before they knew it, in a conveniently short amount of time in order to keep the story moving, were in love, doing all those things that cute little 15 year olds do when they're in love. No, nothing like THAT. You pervert.  
  
Anyway, now that the woodwind quintet has started playing the sad, dramatic music, this digression had best be cut short. Naru caught David drunk, and frenching some other girl. She ran away, crying. /*-/*-/*-/*-  
  
Fade back to reality.  
  
"Naru committed suicide later that day," Kitsune concluded. Motoko, Keitaro, Seta, and Haruka were all crying at this sad love story. It was several minutes later when Motoko remembered that Naru was actually alive before anything else happened.  
  
It was then that, somehow, they discovered Naru's whereabouts and tracked her down to the little motel room. They actually found it because the author feels that this chapter has gone on long enough.  
  
(^)(^)(^)(^)(^)(^)(^)(^)  
  
What happens next? That's a good question.  
  
Stay tuned for chapter 5, hopefully to be published some time in the next millennia. If the author is lucky.  
  
Edited Saturday, January 17. Thank you to reviewer Mozzarella, who corrected an author's mistake. 'George' changed to the correct 'David.' 


	5. Episode 5: The Trampoline Strikes Back

It recently occurred to the author that, for some inexplicable reason, some people persisted in reading a fanfiction story he had posted some three years ago. This, naturally, was a complete and utter shock to the would-be author, from whose mind any thought of said story had flitted away from mind during the general issues that arose when one moves on to college. Now, in a fit on insomnia and a desire that can only be described as "stopping thinking about important things, like the essays that need to be written," he has decided to intrepidly take up the nigh-abandoned story, continuing it from whence it had once continued. It will, of course, be a slow process, because someone, apparently, has to spend precious hours of time in a library figuring out exactly why Senator Charles Sumner was nearly beaten to death in the Senate chamber in by the less-than-honorable Representative from South Carolina, Preston Brooks, and the implications the event has with regard to Sumner's prior ad-hominem attack on fellow Senator Andrew Butler's expectorations - the author firmly assures readers that this is not as exciting as it sounds, and that this sentence has gone on long enough.

What does this mean for our fretful hero? Shall the author continue on, despite what alluring distractions may present himself? Will his quiz in over economic development ever be studied for? Can the essay on classical models of Weberian bureaucracy finally exert its apocalyptic influence on our brave writer? And will people continue reading this apparently useless distraction from the story at hand? Tune into the next paragraph to find out!

**Disclaimer: **The author is not responsible.

**Another disclaimer: **Plot holes and other discontinuity in the story should be blamed on the gremlins that live on the author's hard drive.

**Bold Text**: is very good for emphasizing something, but it is not always important.

**Disclaimer the Fourth: ** All other disclaimers stated in earlier chapters still have the full force of law in the Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia and the city of Truth or Consequences, New Mexico.

* * *

That said, please excuse the author as the story continues. For dramatic reasons, he now takes you back a few hours before continuing with your regularly scheduled fictional nonsense.

The Mother of All Plot Twists can only be described as a fickle woman. She neither favors the down-trodden, nor does she all look ill upon those to whom Lady Luck has been kind.(1) She decides to intervene when she finds it appropriate, all in sudden bouts that may seem random to the unknowing outsider. Her reasons are her own, though they are never set in stone – her supervisors always remind the Mother of All Plot Twists or her habitual desire to toy with her subjects, stepping into lives second times to change history for her own entertainment.

Her most recent case had been that of the unfortunate residents of the Hinata Hotel. Of course, the new relationship between Keitaro Urashima and Misune Konno had not been her doing – Boredom was at work there, and that Naru Narusegawa found out was purely the doing of Bad Luck.(2)

She hadn't been entirely happy with the way that poorMasayuki Haitani had gotten drawn into the whole ordeal. And, of course, the whole case was about to wrap itself up very nicely. Poetic Justice would step in as Urashima and Konno discovered Narusegawa's new relationship. There would be standard confusion, grief, anger, and eventual acceptance leading to Happily Ever After finishing out the story with two happy couples where there once was one.

But, something about the whole affair just wasn't entirely to her liking – even though, according to the Schedule, everything was just peachy. And besides, she was feeling a bit bored. Maybe, she told herself, just maybe, a little bit of her trademark mischief was in order.

She left her lonely observation post in the small bar where she had "re-introduced" Narusegawa to Haitani just after the two had stumbled out. Back at her office (a larger one on Mt. Erebus accorded to the lesser Personifications of Human Concepts), she pulled out the Hinata file and investigated the possibility of other interlopers in the action. Noriyasu, the two Urashimas, Narusegawa, Konno, and Aoyama were already otherwise occupied. Grandma Hinata was far away and incommunicado, Maehara was too young and innocent to be otherwise involved, and Otohime was a Force of Nature onto herself and could not really be influenced by even the Mother's otherwise great power.

It was at the bottom of her manila file folder (yes, even the supernatural must have a filing system, or else nothing would get done) that she noticed there was one wild card that had not been played during the ordeal.

THIS, she told herself, was what she was looking for. She fetched a self-congratulatory beer from the office fridge (she was sure that Sloth wouldn't notice it missing), and set about her new plan.

* * *

(1)Of course, the two prefer not to work together whenever possible. Not because of any sort of personal or professional animosity – indeed, the two have a bridge night together with Fate and Mr. Millard Filmore. Luck and plot twists are wildly unpredictable things, meaning that any sort of cooperating between the two has the opposite result of that which is desired. More than once has a poor Las Vegas gambler won millions at a lucky slot machine only to have it taken away by a twist for the worst health of his dying mother.

(2)Often mistaken for Lady Luck, who herself takes no pleasure in crashing your computer before saving the ten pages you just added to your term paper, allowing you to step in conveniently placed piles of dog feces, causing you to lose after letting it all ride on 17 black, etc.

* * *

When Haitani woke up, he switched on the television out of sheer habit. It had been a wondrous, beautiful night, and he looked over to watch Naru sleep as he thanked his incredible luck.

Was it luck?, he thought to himself. This didn't feel lucky, and he had felt luck (though rarely) before. No, this was something else, something better.

He also briefly wondered about the loud noises emanating from the hallway during his slumber. There had been knocking, followed by banging and yelling, followed with a voice he recognized as the frustrated manager of hotel explained that his keys, for some inexplicable reason, were failing to unlock a door. Lastly, he could have sworn he heard the angry rage of a thousand spirits summoned by a swordswoman of great power being directed at the door (which itself was strangely indestructible). Mostly, though, he was too tired to care.

Naru stirred, interrupting Haitani's reverie.(3) They shared a kiss as the television buzzed gently in the background. Naru gave him a teasing wink, and, walking seductively (which is incredibly easy for a nude woman), she went to the bathroom. Haitani listened to the running shower while he got dressed, watching a reporter's brief summary of a continued police siege in Tokyo harbor.

Much to his horror, he also heard a stirring outside his hotel door – an indistinct voice he immediately recognized as that of Keitaro Urashima muttered, "The shower's running. She must be awake."

Haitani's mind raced. Obviously, it would be suicidal for him to leave out the door – a small encampment had formed, and he didn't want to risk his new-found relationship by immediately bringing back in an old flame. Being on the fifth floor of the the hotel didn't help either. Or... did it?

A quick look out the window reminded him of the very convenient trampoline store next door to the hotel. Of course, the owner of that same store was very surprised to see that his store had somehow been moved three blocks away from its old location over night. However, this was not a time for quibbling with small details like conventional wisdom and physics.

A few moments later, the water stopped running and an entowelled Naru stepped back into the hotel room, where Haitani greeted her with an affectionate "good morning."

As they broke their kiss, Naru noticed the television, which (now suspiciously conveniently) was displaying an artist's sketch of the believed appearance of the world infamous "banana bandit" holed up in Tokyo Harbor, who looked a lot like

"Su! That looks exactly like Su!" Naru exclaimed. She sat down on the bed and gave her attention to the television, while Haitani devoted his full attention to ogling Naru (old habits are hard to break).

A police officer than took the screen, looking much worse for wear due to the past day's events. He exclaimed to the screen, "Please! Please, for the love of all that is good and holy, if you even think you know who this girl is, come to Tokyo and help us! We need to negotiate with this thief before lives – and precious, precious bananas – are lost!" The screen quickly began displaying the scene from the dockside police siege, where troubled emergency workers watched the ship, which itself was emitting a surge of sparks and loud noises, causing some to suggest that the hijacker was intent on destroying (or building) something.

While Maritime Self-Defense Force sailors was attempting (and failing) a heroic attempt to seize the bananas via the sea, Naru, blissfully unaware of the plotting behind the door, said, "We really out to go and help out. Maybe we can talk Koalla down before someone gets really angry," reasoned Naru aloud, and Haitani fervently agreed (though for an entirely different reason). Naru seemed... off, but he just couldn't put a metaphorical finger on it, mainly because he had much more urgent concerns on his mind.

Assiduously preventing himself from staring while they dressed (this took a great deal of effort), a plan slowly hatched himself in his head. You can't exactly convince a normally rational human being to jump out a window when an apparently perfectly convenient door presents itself. Trampoline or no trampoline, giving oneself over to gravity is always hard to do. So, then, as Naru adjusted her clothes and asked "What was that?" to a mumbled voice outside they door, Haitani did the only rational thing that presents itself in such a situation and – consequences be damned! - he grabbed her hand and threw the pair of them out the window.

* * *

(3)It is a known fact that, whenever two people are in bed and one is thinking while the other is asleep, the first's chain of thought will be broken because the other stirs. Nobody knows why.

* * *

Of course, jumping out a window has its consequences. Namely, the commotion that ensued was caused an ever-tiring Motoko to declare simply, "That's it."

Kitsune, ever inquisitive, replied, "what is?," to which Motoko simply responded by unsheathing her katana. The others, of course, replied in turn by backing the hell away from Motoko. Seta and Haruka, though, having a knack for knowing when something was about to get really bad (or unnecessarily taking of their money and wall-rebuilding skills), high-tailed it out of the motel faster than, well, faster than a lot of things, but few with which it is truly possible to compare them at the moment – needless to say, the physics of their escape is complex and necessitates describing certain sub-atomic integrations and interactions. Let us just say that it would appear to the stationary observer that they had disappeared from the motel and reappeared (much to the shock of a visiting couple) at the tea house.

Motoko had, of course, decided that she should try investigate the room by entering it through a hither-to untried route – that being the wall. A few quick slashes with her sword created a second portal very quickly and easily, though not necessarily in a place where an architect planned for one (she had, luckily, missed most of the significant load-baring portions of the wall) – revealing a disappointedly empty room, and (surprisingly quickly) summoned an irate motel owner, who was hearing nothing of Keitaro's "very rational explanation" for all this.

Soon, Motoko left for the hardware store to pick up some essential supplies (like wood, drywall, and nails), leaving Kitsune and Keitaro with a mess to being cleaning and a some time alone for the first time in a while.

"So, what's on your mind?"

* * *

And that about does it for now! Things are in motion, but our erstwhile couples are now left to their own non-sexual devices – after all, you've gotta talk about something eventually, and the plot just so happens to allow this to happen simultaneously – how convenient! Almost like someone planned for this to happen!

As always, comments, questions, suggestions, corrections, and just pure hate mail is always greatly appreciated. Thanks for your interest!


End file.
